Five rash predictions that The Guide is absolutely confident will come true in 2011
Five things that will definitely happen this year? Magazines like the Guide live or die by their ability to predict the future with uncanny accuracy. Over the last few years, we've looked forward to Little Boots's rise to world domination, the box-office success of Ben Affleck's Daredevil (the first blind superhero franchise, but far from the last!) and the world not only loving, but understanding FlashForward. You see how seriously we take our responsibilities. With that in mind, here's our snappy list of things that absolutely, definitely will happen in the next 12 months. Cross our hearts and hope to die ?
The Saturdays to take new folk direction
Inspired by the success of Laura Marling, whose sponsorship deal with KFC makes her Britain's first folk zinger, girl band the Saturdays abandon pop in favour of a more earthy, real and hopefully lucrative musical direction. At first it goes well as the girls wow the crowds at T4 In The Meadow, but tensions soon surface and by October Rochelle is sacked from the band for not having a big enough beard.
Jennifer Aniston will play the role of a fulfilled, contented woman
The word "Oscar" will be on everyone's lips after Aniston's performance as a high-flying career woman who is neither unlucky in love nor secretly depressed because she doesn't have children. Praised for her bravery in taking the role, which involves Aniston going on dates which don't end in disaster and having sex that isn't awkward, Aniston will be held up as a beacon for women everywhere and no one will wonder what Brad Pitt is thinking ever again.
Radiohead will release their new album in a physical format
Once again blazing a trail that no one else in their right minds would follow, Radiohead follow up the digital experiment of In Rainbows with another revolutionary idea: pressing just one copy of their album and strapping it to the back
of a horse. Encouraged to tour the country, playing the album as it goes, the horse is hailed by Thom Yorke as heralding a new organic movement in music. Sadly, Dobbin never manages to get out of Oxford, apparently baffled by the city's one-way system.
Simon Cowell will kill a man
It had been predicted for some time, but only in 2011 will the Emperor Palpatine of pop finally crack and bludgeon a contestant to death live on X Factor. Occurring during the middle of "MGMT week" the killing is originally blamed on a "not particularly strong" vocal during a version of Electric Feel. Ultimately it transpires that the act was in fact murder, designed to revive interest in a tiring format. Ratings go through the roof and, by year's
end, the practice has been exported to the US version of the X Factor, where Piers Morgan disembowels the bottom two on a weekly basis.
Sky Mid-Atlantic to launch
After the soaraway success of Sky Atlantic, which took all the good American drama you used to be able to watch on terrestrial and stashed it in one handy subscription only channel, BSkyB announces plans for a sister service. Sky Mid-Atlantic will show only programmes made by posh people who spent half their childhood in west London and the other in New York. As this is the case for pretty much all TV anyway, the remit is soon extended to include English presenters who wish they were American and therefore talk with an odd accent. Miquita Oliver is hired.
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