Filed under: Humor, Tech, Exclusives
Someone sends you a friend request. Your palms get sweaty. What should you do? You begin to freak out.
Don't panic! I'm here to help. Every social network is different, and that's why I've compiled this impressive handbook for online etiquette.
A guy who bought your bike on craigslist? Definitely, that's a business transaction! The dishwasher at the Condé Nast cafeteria? You've got to start somewhere! Grandma? She knows someone at Leisure World, whose niece might know someone!
Once you've Linked-In hella peeps, you'll have so many job offers you won't know which one to take.
Facebook
You should only Facebook people you'd get a cup of coffee with. You definitely don't want random strangers inviting you to their poetry slams.You want people you're actually friends with inviting you to their poetry slams. Even if you don't attend, you'll have something to talk about when you get a cup of coffee with them.
"Sorry I couldn't make it to your poetry slam, I had to judge a macramé contest."
And they'll know you were telling the truth, because they'll see the "judging a macramé contest" status you posted.
Facebook is truly the future of friendship.
MySpace
MySpace differs from LinkedIn and Facebook, because you use it to connect with people you've never met. This is the best way to expand your screamo band's fanbase.
This chart reveals that after two months, screamo bands?? using MySpace will see a major surge in famousness.
This will lead to an increase of 19-year-old goth babes getting onto your tour bus. Once they're aboard, proceed to add these girls on MySpace. More friends equals more famousness.
Always remember to show a commitment to your fans by writing "Thanks For The Add" on their pages.
Twitter
You should only use Twitter to follow celebrities. Famous people say way more exciting things than regular people.When Shawn Pearlman tweets "going to eat tacos" I am like "whatever." But when Ashton Kutcher tweets "going to eat tacos" I am like "Who's Ashton getting tacos with? What kind of tacos is he getting? Will he use cash or credit? How much salsa will he use? Will he order a horchata because the tacos are too spicy?"
Twitter unequivocally proves that celebrities are better than us.
Foursquare
In deciding who to friend, first ask yourself: who thinks they're only acquaintances with you, but you know is really your future best friend forever?Once you've figure that out, you can begin to lurk their every move. Track them down at the movie theater. Run into them at the ice skating rink. Wave hello at the food court. Flirt with them at Bikram Yoga.
They don't know that when they friended their sister on Foursquare, it was really you.
Tumblr
On Tumblr you should only follow people who reblog things they saw on TV.With the new technology of the internet, traditional mediums like television are slowly becoming extinct. We can't have people creating and disseminating their own entertainment. We need our entertainment trickled down from network executives kowtowing to advertising interests! Our entire capitalist society will collapse if we have nobodies creating original content on their own!
People who reblog things they saw on TV last night are doing a service to America and God.
- related:// The Noob's Guide to Tumblr
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